ENM Boundaries in Relationship Anarchy (RA) as a Queer, Neurodivergent Person
- Stella Billerey
- Jan 9
- 8 min read
Navigating boundaries in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and relationship anarchy (RA) is a journey, one that’s deeply personal, sometimes messy, and always evolving. For queer and neurodivergent folks, it can be even more complex, especially when you’re unlearning old patterns or dealing with rejection sensitivity, masking or trauma.
What Makes Boundaries Different in ENM & Relationship Anarchy?
People often mix up rules and boundaries, but they’re not the same thing
Let’s break down the difference, because this trips people up a lot.
Rules are imposed on others (“You can’t do X”), while boundaries are about your own needs and limits (“I’m not comfortable with X, so I’ll step back if it happens”).
In ENM and relationship anarchy, boundaries are crucial for safety, trust, and autonomy. They help you honour your own needs while respecting your partners’ freedom.
In non-traditional relationships, there’s often less of a script. That means more space for creativity, but also more need for clarity and ongoing communication.
In my Queer ADHD coaching, we work on boundaries in a way that’s actually ADHD-friendly: noticing patterns, writing scripts, and building agreements that don’t require you to explain the fundamentals of who you are every time.
Learn more here: https://www.stellabillereytherapies.com/queer-adhd
Lived Experience: Learning Boundaries in ENM & Relationship Anarchy
Why Boundaries Matter to Me
Boundaries have been a lifeline in my relationships — especially in non-traditional ones. I learned—sometimes the hard way—that I need:
Consistent communication
Emotional safety
Respect for my neurodivergence (and my capacity)
…aren’t “too much.” They’re non-negotiable.
When Boundaries Were Tested
Having boundaries means I get to decide who has access to my time, energy, and care. Sometimes you name a boundary and the other person is unwilling or unable to meet it — and that doesn’t automatically make them “bad.” It just gives you information about compatibility, capacity, and what kind of relationship is actually possible.
In a past relationship, I noticed a pattern: when I expressed a need or set a boundary (like, “I need consistent communication and accountability to stay in this relationship”), my partner responded with withdrawal or avoidance. For a long time, I worried I was being “difficult” or “demanding.” So I masked my feelings, made myself smaller, and ended up anxious and unseen.
That experience taught me something simple but brutal: if I have to abandon myself to keep the relationship, the relationship isn’t safe for me. Holding my boundary didn’t “end” the relationship — it just stopped me doing all the emotional labour to keep it afloat.
In another new energy relationship, I kept getting hit with last-minute cancellations or chaotic planning. Things like: forgetting I was coming over, jumping in the shower right as I arrived, or changing plans without telling me — leaving me on the doorstep with a very specific WTF feeling. I tried to name it clearly: “If plans change, please check in with me.” But it didn’t shift. And eventually I realised: I’m allowed to walk away from connections that repeatedly leave me dysregulated, even if nobody meant harm.
Boundaries didn’t make me colder. They made me more honest about what I can and can’t do.
Boundaries That Made My Relationships Safer (and More Fulfilling)
Boundaries work both ways — and honestly, someone else having clear boundaries is a green flag for me.
One of my partners was upfront early on: they preferred not to chat loads online before meeting. I’m someone who loves a bit of back-and-forth pre-first date, but the way they communicated it felt grounded and respectful — not avoidant, not controlling. It told me: this person can name their needs without making it my problem to guess them.
I respected their preference, we met, and a year in we’re still doing the same thing: checking in, naming needs, adjusting, repairing. That kind of boundary-setting doesn’t limit intimacy — it creates the conditions for it. Because when both people can say “this works for me” and “this doesn’t,” you get a relationship that’s not built on mind-reading, resentment, or self-abandonment.
What I Learned
Eventually, I realised:
Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people — they’re about taking care of myself and being honest about what I can and can’t do.
When a boundary isn’t respected, the boundary isn’t the request. The boundary is what I do next: I might pause, step back, de-escalate, renegotiate, or end the relationship.
De-escalating or ending doesn’t mean I’m “too much.” It means I’m paying attention.
It’s an ongoing practice, but it helps me stay safe and open to real connection — the kind that doesn’t require me to abandon myself.
Boundaries About Metamours (My Partners’ Partners)
Negotiating information and contact with metamours is another place boundaries show up for me.
I genuinely love meeting my metamours — when it’s mutual and feels good for everyone. But I don’t need to meet every metamour. I trust my partners (and their partners) to decide what feels right, and I’m happy to let connection happen organically rather than forcing it.
What matters most to me is clear, kind communication. I like a sense of community where possible, and I also respect that everyone has different comfort levels around privacy and sharing.
For example, I find it helpful when a partner offers general updates, like:
“Me and X are having a difficult time right now.”
“I’m seeing someone new.”
“I’ve reconnected with an ex.”
I don’t need every detail, and I assume metamours have their own boundaries about what they want shared. But those broad updates help me stay oriented, offer understanding, and avoid that weird foggy feeling that can happen when information is omitted.
If a partner rekindles a previous relationship, I’d like to know. Not because I need to manage it, but because I often feel compersion and because I’m actively working on dismantling internalised monogamous scripts where secrecy gets framed as “protecting” someone.
If I notice information is being consistently withheld, I’ll name it — and if it continues, I’ll de-escalate.
My Firm Boundary: No Pressure for Play with Metamours
One thing I’m very clear about:
I have a firm boundary around partners expecting “play” (sexual or otherwise) between me and my metamours.
I’m not available for being nudged into group dynamics. If it happens organically, consensually, and all parties are on the same page through clear upfront communication, then fine, but pressure or expectation is not something I'm available for.
Part of this is about avoiding triangulation and keeping everyone’s consent clean and unambiguous.
I’ve been non-monogamous for a long time, and I know these situations can be fun, and they can also get messy fast, with a lot of emotional admin.
For me, this is non-negotiable: no pressure and no expectations. If a partner can’t respect that, I've learnt to de-escalate or step away.
ENM Boundaries in Relationship Anarchy: Common Scenarios
Time & energy: “I need one night a week just for myself to recharge.”
Sexual health: “I want us to talk openly about sexual health and share test results.”
Emotional boundaries / information-sharing: “I’m open to hearing about your other relationships, and I don’t want secrecy or important information being omitted. I don’t need every detail, but I do want honesty and general updates.”
Communication: “I prefer to check in after group events,” or “I need advance notice if plans are changing.”
Consent & autonomy: “I’m happy to discuss boundaries together, but I don’t want rules imposed on me.”
ADHD affirming: “After social stuff (especially group hangs), I need decompression time. I might be quiet or offline for a bit, and that’s not me pulling away — it’s me regulating.” or "If we have a conflict, my brain will ruminate and I need clear communication about when we can discuss this for my sanity"
ADHD Friendly Scripts & Practical Tips
“Here’s what I need to feel safe and connected: regular check-ins, and kindness even during tough conversations.”
“I’m comfortable with you seeing other people, and I’d like us to communicate about emotional shifts as they come up — not after the fact.”
“If I feel overwhelmed, I might ask for a pause or a break. That’s about my nervous system and my needs — not a rejection of you.”
“If I’m going through a hard time, I’d love support and a bit of slack. If you’re not able to offer that right now, I’d rather we name it honestly so I can lean on other people.”
In my Queer ADHD coaching, we can work on scripts, repair conversations, and boundaries that fit your nervous system — especially if masking, rejection sensitivity, or overwhelm makes it hard to name what you need in the moment.
Intersectional & Neurodivergent Considerations
For those of us who are neurodivergent, boundaries can be extra challenging, not because we’re “bad at relationships,” but because many of us have learned (often for safety) to prioritise being palatable over being honest.
Masking: Trying to be “easy” or “not too much” can lead to self-abandonment. You might say yes when you mean no, or minimise your needs until you’re burnt out or resentful.
Rejection sensitivity: Saying “no” or asking for what you need can feel risky, especially if you’ve been punished, mocked, or invalidated for having needs in the past.
Executive dysfunction: Sometimes it’s hard to notice a boundary has been crossed until later. Journaling, debriefing with trusted friends, or doing a quick “body check” after an interaction can help you spot patterns and name what you need next time.
If you want support building boundaries that work with ADHD (not against it), you can read about my Queer ADHD coaching here: https://www.stellabillereytherapies.com/queer-adhd
Boundaries in ENM & Relationship Anarchy: Uniquely Personal and Ever-Changing
One of the most important things to understand about boundaries in ENM and relationship anarchy is that there’s no one-size-fits-all. Your boundaries might look very different from your partners’, and they might even look different across your relationships. What feels safe, comfortable, or necessary for you won’t always match what feels right for someone else — and that’s not a problem. That’s kind of the point.
Boundaries can also change over time. As relationships grow, trust develops, and life circumstances shift, you might notice your needs evolving. Something that was a hard boundary last year might soften. Or something that used to feel flexible might become firmer once you’ve learned more about what helps you stay regulated, connected, and resourced.
In relationship anarchy, this isn’t failure — it’s responsiveness.
Real-Life Examples
Different boundaries, different partners
You might love sharing details about other connections with one partner, but prefer more privacy with another. For example:
With Partner A, you’re comfortable talking openly about dates and feelings.
With Partner B, you’d rather keep things more separate and only share if something directly affects them.
Boundaries changing with time
Maybe when you first started exploring ENM, you needed a lot of reassurance and wanted to know about every new connection. As you’ve built trust and confidence, you might find you’re happy with just a quick check-in, or only discussing new relationships if they become 'serious'.
Contextual boundaries
During a stressful period at work, you might need more alone time — or, conversely, more support and emotional steadiness from your partners. After a difficult experience, you might temporarily need more structure or clarity in your agreements.
Key Takeaway
It’s not only normal for boundaries to differ between people and relationships...it’s healthy! The most important thing is open, ongoing communication and a willingness to revisit and renegotiate as needed.
Reflection Prompts
When do you find it hardest to hold a boundary in ENM or RA?
Are there situations where you’ve masked your needs to avoid conflict?
What would it feel like to express a boundary, even if it’s scary?
First Steps: Building Healthier Boundaries
Start with self-reflection: What are your non-negotiables?
Practise scripts in low-stakes situations.
Remember: boundaries are for you, not a punishment for others.
Be open to renegotiation; boundaries evolve as relationships grow.
Want Support Navigating ADHD or Neurodivergence?
If you’re curious about how queer-affirming, trauma-informed ADHD coaching might help you thrive, I invite you to book a free discovery call. It’s a no-pressure space to ask questions, share your story, and explore if working together feels like a good fit. I work with neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ adults in London and online—wherever you are on your journey, you’re welcome here.
If you have questions or want to share your own experience, feel free to get in touch via my website contact form or join the conversation on Instagram. Let’s keep building a more inclusive, affirming world—one story at a time.
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