ADHD Boundaries Challenges: Why It’s Hard for Queer & Neurodivergent Folks
- Stella Billerey
- Dec 12, 2025
- 3 min read
Updated: Feb 5
Healthy boundaries are the invisible lines that help us protect our time, energy, and emotional health. For many people, these lines are clear—but for those facing ADHD boundaries challenges, including queer and neurodivergent folks, it can be a different story. Setting and maintaining queer ADHD boundaries can feel like an Olympic sport, with no clear rules and plenty of internal hurdles.
What Are 'Good' Boundaries?
Boundaries are guidelines for what’s okay (and not okay) in your relationships for you.
They can be physical ("I need personal space"), emotional ("I need to talk about my feelings"), or digital ("I don’t answer work emails after 6 pm").
Good boundaries are clear, flexible, and rooted in your values, protecting your needs without shutting others out.
ADHD Boundaries Challenges: Why Is It So Difficult?
1. Rejection Sensitivity
Many ADHDers experience rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Saying “no” or asserting a need can feel terrifying, like you’re risking abandonment or conflict. This can lead to people-pleasing or letting boundaries slide, even when it’s harmful.
2. Masking & People-Pleasing
Queer and neurodivergent people often learn to mask, hiding parts of ourselves to fit in or stay safe. This can make it hard to notice (or voice) what you actually want or need.
Scenario: You agree to social plans even when you’re exhausted, because you don’t want to seem unreliable or "difficult." Afterwards, you feel drained or resentful.
3. Executive Function Challenges
ADHD can make it tough to notice when a boundary is being crossed, or to remember and uphold your own limits in the moment. Sometimes, you only realise a boundary was crossed long after the fact, making it harder to address in the moment.
4. Trauma & Intersectional Stress
If you’ve faced discrimination, bullying, or family rejection, you might find it extra hard to trust that your needs will be respected. Trauma can teach us to avoid conflict at all costs, even if it means self-abandonment.
5. Intersectionality: Queer, Disabled, & Marginalised Identities
Navigating multiple marginalisations can mean extra pressure to “keep the peace” or avoid rocking the boat. Your boundaries might shift depending on who you’re with, or you might not feel safe setting them at all.
Real-Life Example: Navigating Boundaries as a Queer ADHDer
Imagine you’re at a family gathering. You’re already feeling overstimulated, but your aunt insists you stay for another hour. Saying “no” feels risky, you don’t want to be seen as rude or ungrateful, but you know you’ll be wiped out if you stay. You end up staying and feel exhausted for days. Sound familiar?
Or maybe you’re dating someone new they and their ability to make and stick to a plan is not so great. You love the connection, but the back and forth with logistics is exhausting. You worry that asking for a clear plan will make them think you’re “too much.” so you just suck it up. (We have all been there hun)
Reflection Prompts: Check In With Your Boundaries
When was the last time you said “yes” when you wanted to say “no”? What was going on for you?
Are there certain people or situations where it’s harder to hold your boundaries?
What physical or emotional signals tell you a boundary is being crossed?.
What Does a Healthy Boundary Look Like for You?
Saying "I need time to process—can we talk about this later?"
Letting yourself say "no" without guilt
Asking for clarity or reassurance when you need it
Respecting your own needs, even if others don’t always understand
First Steps: Building Healthier Boundaries
Start small: Practise saying “no” in low-stakes situations.
Use scripts: Try, “I’d love to, but I need to rest tonight.”
Journal: Write down moments when your boundaries felt strong (or shaky) and what you noticed in your body.
Remember: You’re allowed to change your mind and adjust boundaries as you grow.
You’re Not Alone Hun
If this resonates, you’re not failing, these challenges are real and valid. Boundaries are a skill, not a personality trait, and they can be learned and practised. Many queer and neurodivergent people are on this journey with you, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time.
Want Support Navigating ADHD or Neurodivergence?
If you’re curious about how queer-affirming, trauma-informed ADHD coaching might help you thrive, I invite you to book a free discovery call. It’s a no-pressure space to ask questions, share your story, and explore if working together feels like a good fit. I work with neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ adults in London and online—wherever you are on your journey, you’re welcome here.
If you have questions or want to share your own experience, feel free to get in touch via my website contact form or join the conversation on Instagram. Let’s keep building a more inclusive, affirming world—one story at a time.
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