ADHD and Kink: Sub Drop, Top Drop & the Dopamine Crash
- Stella Billerey
- Jan 18
- 6 min read
If you’ve ever had an amazing scene (or a deliciously intense play session)… and then a few hours later you feel flat, teary, irritable, foggy, or weirdly ashamed — you’re not broken, and you’re not “too much.” You might be meeting sub drop, top drop, and/or a plain old dopamine crash.
This post is for anyone exploring ADHD and kink who wants language that’s practical, non-pathologising, and trauma-informed.
Quick definitions (so we’re speaking the same language)
Sub drop: a post-scene dip for the person who was subbing/bottoming that can show up as sadness, anxiety, emptiness, sensitivity, self-doubt, dissociation, or feeling disconnected.
Top drop: a post-scene dip for the person who was topping/dominating/holding the container — often guilt, worry, irritability, fatigue, or a sudden “what have I done?” spiral.
Dopamine crash (ADHD lens): after a high-stimulation, high-focus, high-reward experience, your nervous system can swing the other way. For ADHD brains especially, that swing can feel sharp: motivation drops, mood drops, rejection sensitivity spikes, and everything feels louder.
None of these are moral failures. They’re body + brain responses.
Want help building an ADHD-friendly aftercare plan you can actually stick to (check-ins, scripts, repair, nervous system care)? Book a free discovery call.
Sub drop: what it is (and why it happens)
Sub drop isn’t always “sad.” It can look like:
Feeling wiped out afterwards — like your body has done a marathon you didn’t train for
Emotions doing a sudden pendulum swing (fine → not fine → fine → not fine)
Crying for 'no reason'
Your mind replaying the scene on a loop, doing a full post-match analysis of every micro-moment
A raw, exposed feeling — like your skin’s off, or you’re suddenly very aware you’re a human with feelings
Body soreness or that achey post-adrenaline comedown
Wanting a lot of reassurance/contact / checking-in (and also maybe feeling embarrassed about wanting it)
A wave of “why did I do that?” even when you did want it and it was consensual and good
Craving comfort (sweet stuff, warmth, softness) or feeling like you want nothing at all
If you recognise yourself in that list: it doesn’t mean the scene was bad. It often means your system is coming down, and you need care + time + repair (if needed).
Top drop: what it is (and why it happens)
Top drop is the post-scene dip that can happen for the person who was giving sensation, directing the scene, dominating, topping, holding the structure, or taking responsibility for pacing, safety, and consent.
Top drop is real, and it’s often less talked about, which can make it feel extra isolating.
A few reasons it can show up:
Responsibility hangover: you were tracking consent, intensity, timing, and your partner’s cues
Adrenaline comedown: your body was “on,” and now it’s suddenly not
Fear of harm: even in consensual kink, you might worry you went too far or missed something
Caretaker-mode crash: if you were in a protective/attuned role, you might feel depleted afterwards
Shame stories: “I’m a bad person for wanting that” (hi ya social conditioning)
Quick personal note (top drop)
I’ve had scenes I loved, with people I trusted, and still woken up the next day feeling weirdly flat and fragile. Sometimes it shows up as normal life feeling grey and dull and me needing to retreat. Sometimes it shows up as me really wanting to connect with the person I shared that space with where I could show my vulnerability away from the tropes of the power dynamics we shared in the scene.
Both examples were just my nervous system coming down and recalibrating in different ways.
What top drop can feel like
Irritability, flatness, or emotional numbness
Guilt, worry, rumination
A “what if I messed them up?” spiral
Feeling disconnected or suddenly avoidant
Needing reassurance but feeling like you’re not allowed to ask for it
Why the drop feel extra intense with ADHD
ADHD isn’t just “attention.” It’s also dopamine regulation, emotional intensity, and nervous-system sensitivity.
A scene can include:
Novelty
Risk (real or perceived)
Intensity
Focused attention
Strong sensation
Connection/attachment cues
Power exchange (which can be deeply regulating… until it isn’t)
That’s a lot of stimulation — and for many people with ADHD, stimulation is both soothing and fuel.
So when the scene ends, your system can go from “highly resourced” to “where did my scaffolding go?” very quickly.
Drop + shame: the uninvited guest
Drop often gets tangled up with shame because the mind tries to make meaning fast.
Common post-scene thoughts:
“I was too needy.”
"I didn't do it right."
"I'm fucked up"
“I ruined it.”
“They’re going to leave.”
“I shouldn’t have wanted that.”
“I crossed a line.”
"What's wrong with me"
If you have ADHD, you might also notice:
Rejection sensitivity flaring (“They haven’t texted back — it’s over.”)
All-or-nothing thinking (“That was perfect / that was a disaster.”)
Time blindness (“It’s been 2 hours — why do I feel like I’m dying?”)
A helpful reframe: drop is information, not a verdict.
What helps: an ADHD-friendly aftercare plan
1) Plan for the crash before the high
When you’re negotiating the scene, include:
What drop tends to look like for you
What helps (and what makes it worse)
A realistic check-in plan (time + method)
ADHD-friendly tip: make it specific.
Instead of “We’ll check in tomorrow,” try:
“Text when you get home + one message in the morning.”
“Voice note within 24 hours.”
“If either of us feels wobbly, we say so — and we make a plan for what would actually help.”
2) Feed the body like it matters (because it does)
Drop is often amplified by basic needs being unmet.
Eat something with protein + carbs
Hydrate
Warm shower / change into soft clothes
Magnesium, electrolytes, or a hot sweet drink (if that works for you)
Change your bed sheets beforehand so you’ve got a lovely clean nest to return to
Consider a weighted blanket
Put on a soothing playlist
Line up a favourite comfort series to watch
Not glamorous. Very effective.
3) Reduce decision-making
Post-scene is not the moment for:
relationship negotiations
big meaning-making
“what are we?” talks
doom-scrolling your messages
If you can, pre-decide:
what you’ll watch
what you’ll eat
what time you’ll sleep
4) Contain the spiral (without gaslighting yourself)
Try this script:
“Something in me is dropping.”
“My brain will try to explain this with a story.”
“I can wait 24 hours before I decide what it means.”
If you journal, keep it simple:
What happened?
What am I feeling in my body?
What do I need in the next 2 hours?
5) Aftercare for tops/doms: you’re not a robot
Top drop can be brutal because you were holding responsibility.
Helpful questions:
“Did I get consent clearly?”
“Did anything feel off?”
“What reassurance do I need (and can I ask for it directly)?”
If you’re the top and you have ADHD, you might also crash into self-criticism fast. A gentle practice: name three things you did well before you troubleshoot anything.
If you want support making sense of your patterns (drop, shame spirals, rejection sensitivity, boundaries), you can read more about my queer, neurodivergent-affirming ADHD coaching
When it might be more than “normal drop”
Sometimes drop is just your nervous system doing its thing.
And sometimes it’s your system waving a little flag that something was off here — even if, on paper, you had a “good scene.”
Consent is nuanced. Yes, an obvious example is someone doing something without consent.
But it can also get complicated afterwards if:
The scene included CNC (consensual non-consent) and your body/brain is doing a delayed “wait… hang on.."
You gave explicit consent, but later you’re left with a feeling you said yes to people-please, not because you genuinely wanted it
The other person gave explicit consent, but afterwards you’re left with a sinking feeling they didn’t really want to — more like they were going along with it to keep you happy (what I sometimes call non-consensual consent)
There was disclosure stuff that changes the context of what you agreed to — like someone not telling you they’d taken a substance, or omitting relationship status/dynamics that would have affected your yes
You don’t need to prosecute yourself (or anyone else) in your head at 2 am.
But you do get to take that information seriously. That might look like:
asking for a repair conversation
changing agreements for next time
pausing play with that person
getting support to untangle what was drop vs what was a boundary/consent wobble
A simple repair framework:
Name what happened (facts, not accusations)
Name the impact (feelings/body)
Ask for what would help next time
A note on ADHD and kink: you’re allowed to need structure
Needing a clear check-in plan, reassurance, food, sleep, and a bit of predictability doesn’t make you “high maintenance.” It makes you a human with a slightly fizzy nervous system.
If kink is part of how you explore connection, sensation, power, or play — you’re allowed to do it in a way that supports your brain and body.
Want support with this?
If you’re navigating ADHD and kink and you want a space to untangle drop, shame spirals, boundaries, and what actually helps you feel safe — I offer queer, neurodivergent-affirming ADHD coaching.
You can Book a free discovery calll and we’ll go at your pace.